Saturday, April 9, 2011

Thy Will Be Done

I remember standing in church a year or so ago, during a worship song. The words on the screen caught me off guard--

If Thou hast called me to resign
What most I prized--never was mine;
I only yield Thee what is Thine--
"Thy will be done."

I promptly burst into tears because I had the distinct impression that God was saying to me, "Look, Annie is Mine. She's not yours. So, although you want Me to heal her, that's My decision. Your job is to trust Me."

I remember praying and praying and praying for God to heal her and wondering if the mic on my lapel was even on. Was God listening? Did He care? Why wasn't He answering me? All I thought was God needed to heal her, and if I prayed hard enough, He'd be convinced of the validity of my good idea.

Then one night I read in my Bible, "while Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God. Even though Jesus was God's Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered." (Hebrews 5:7-8) What that meant to me was that although Jesus was God's Son, and even though His cries were heard, God's will from the beginning of the world was that Jesus would die in our place for our sin. And Jesus was obedient to God, even though it meant excruciating suffering.

Likewise, in a very small way, it dawned on me that even though the answer might be no that Annie be healed, it didn't mean God wasn't listening or couldn't hear. He did hear my cries and tears, and He could heal Annie, yet for reasons still unknown to me the answer was no. And just as Jesus said, "Not My will, but Yours, be done," so I had to come to the place of submission to God's will.

This revelation was immensely comforting to me. Especially since I knew that God could heal, not only from what I read in the Bible, but based on personal experience with Bill. Just because He wasn't healing her didn't mean that He wasn't listening, didn't care, or was unable to do anything about it. It gave me a renewed sense of God's love for her and for me; His healing of her was not the evidence of His love for us--Jesus' dying on the cross was. Not to say that I didn't wish everyday that God would heal her. I still wish He would is so empty here without her.

But--Annie belonged to Jesus, she was not mine. And the reality that Annie is healed in heaven is not some lame platitude to make us all feel better. Annie is healed now--a fact that relates right back to the cross that Jesus was obedient to die on. Because if Jesus had not died for our sins and risen from the grave, then Annie would also be dead. But Jesus is alive today, and Annie is too.


"But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep." 1 Corinthians 15:20


Rebecca said...

Sometimes the words we need to hear as parents of kids with disabilities come at just the right time in our lives. Over the last week, I have read Annie's story. The amazing faith and love for God that you family shows is an inspiration for me. I think I am going to try that church you suggested, tomorrow. 5 years after getting Caitlyn's diagnosis, I think it's time to completely quit being angry at God. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Your strength and your faith in God is so inspiring to me! Thank you for continuing to share your heart with all of us.
Love you!

uncle jeff said...

God is good ALL the time.

Gretchen said...

This is so raw with grief and longing and yet so beautiful. And could only be written by someone who truly knows the love of the Father. You sat and held and loved on Annie for so long. I pray for your perfect rest in the lap of our Abba Father. xxxooo